A Time for Love, A Time for Courage, A Time for Peace

This is my adoption story. Its been somewhat difficult to write, but overall fulfilling. At first I was scared to have my story be known; for the responses of people and their criticism. After a while, I've realized that I there are more people in my life who love and support me, and I don't need to keep the people who criticize near to me. I want to be able to share my story, and have it be heard for the benefit of others. Not many people know much about adoption. There are many misconceptions and a lack of understanding. This of course is not a bad thing, but a common mistake that is easy to make. Adoptions are often considered the easy way out of responsibility or a quick fix to a big mistake, and if you haven't experienced something as beautiful as adoption it is impossible to catch the real grandeur and magnificence. Hopefully I can capture and portray my adoption miracle in such way that you can understand.


September 15, 2011. The day the pregnancy test had two parallel lines, the base line very solid and the other line so tiny it almost wasn't there. In my head I knew it was true, but I convinced my self it must be a glitch in the test. September 16th however was the day that the second and third test were obviously positive. No denying it, I was pregnant. I was nineteen, naive, and determined I would be able to face what had happened and be a mother.

Reality took its time to sink in, slowly and painfully. I was alone. My greatest decision was to tell my parents right away and they made their love and support known, but this child would have no father. I had been laid off from my job just days before, I had no income, no way to provide for this child. I was renting a room from my cousins, and what little money I had saved wouldn't last long. My parents are soon to finance two missions and I couldn't possibly ask them to provide for me and a child. I was young, just nineteen, far to young to raise a child in this modern day society. Medical bills, food, someplace to live, parenting a child alone, providing a life for my child while still moving on with my own... Reality had hit, and it wasn't pretty. It was hard, I was so tormented I rarely left my room for a month. How could I possibly provide a happy successful life for my child when I couldn't even provide for my self?


56 days after I realized I was pregnant I decided that I needed to place my baby for adoption. Not for my benefit only, but for both of us. Our Heavenly Father gave up his son to save the world, I would give up my child to give her the world.

My parents, knowing full well of my predicament, introduced me to two friends, a couple who, when unable to have their own family, adopted three beautiful children. Seeing their family together was all I needed to see, a love so apparent I never would have guessed adoption. If they could have such a perfect love, then my child would be loved in such a home. I made my final decision, and I found peace with it.

Until that point I had kept my pregnancy a secret, only confiding in my parents and a couple close friends. I was afraid of attention and judgments that I was sure would come. Anyone who didn't know my full story could never understand and would judge me for being pregnant. But I couldn't tell my story, I was too embarrassed to admit the truth. And so I hid, many people not knowing I was even pregnant until I delivered.

I started on my road to adoption. I contacted a caseworker in Family Services and set up a meeting. My parents went to support, and we all left the meeting with such an undeniable peace that we knew I had made the right decision. I had my homework to do, I needed to find a couple who would be perfect to raise my child. Immediately I started to pour over the profiles of couples looking to adopt. There were over eight hundred couples, and I needed to choose just one.

It didn't take me long to find J. and J. (names abbreviated for privacy). They were what I wanted for my child, so two weeks later I found the nerve to contact them. This was in November, I was 8 weeks pregnant. Immediately, J., J., and I clicked and formed a wonderful form of friendship. However, two months later, J. an J. found out that they too were expecting a child of their own. It was a miracle! After years of trying, they were blessed with a child. They were ecstatic, and I was thrilled for them. After deep discussions and heartfelt prayers, they decided that continuing with our adoption plan wouldn't be the best and gracefully withdrew. I had no hard feelings towards them. I recognized the importance of placing my baby, and accepted that I needed to start over. So back to the profiles I went.

Meanwhile, I was progressing steadily in the pregnancy. Both baby and I were perfectly healthy. I was blessed with an easy pregnancy, I was rarely sick and managed to keep high spirits. I had moved back in with my parents and was thriving under their love and support, I couldn't ask for two more loving parents. When J. and J. withdrew from the adoption I was 17 weeks pregnant. I had started to feel the baby moving inside me and was falling more in love every day. I was getting attached, I already loved this baby more than I thought possible.

Just two days after learning that J. and J. withdrew, I found them - R. and S.. They glowed, they radiated with happiness. A love so obvious, happiness so joyous. They were beautiful. Simply beautiful. I knew I wanted them to be the couple to raise my baby. There was no doubt in my mind that they were the right couple even before I contacted them. I emailed them the very next day, too anxious to wait. I later found out that they were approved for adoption not even 24 hours before I found them. I found out on a Wednesday I had to start over, their profile went live on Thursday, I found them on Friday, emailed them on Saturday, and they replied that Sunday. I stopped believing in coincidences then. I have no doubt that J. and J. were there for me, to help prepare me for adoption and prepare the way for R. and S.

That week I had the ultrasound in which I would learn the gender of my baby. A Girl, a beautiful baby girl. Learning my baby would be a girl brought on a whole new set of emotions. I loved her on a whole new level, a love that surprised me. I had a daughter. The elation it caused my heart and soul was immense. The thought of giving her away, of loosing my daughter was increasingly difficult, at times seemingly unbearable. But I was determined. I loved my daughter and I was going to give her the world.

My friendship with R. and S. flourished, we'd write back and fourth every day with emails sometimes eight pages or more. The love and respect for each other ran deep, both providing what the other could not. They were going to raise my daughter and provide for her what I could not, and I would provide them with a child to raise as their own. I met with them a couple times, in either my town or theirs. They met and bonded with my own family. We laughed together and cried together. It was a bond like no other for we all had one thing at heart, and that was the happiness and well-being for this unborn baby girl.

During my seventh month pregnant stress and fear for the future started building, and we decided it was time for me to go. We contacted a family dear to ours in Utah and within three days I had packed my bags and left. It was easiest to not tell anyone and simply walk from my life in Fresno. Leaving my family so very hard and the transition was extremely difficult but necessary. I will forever be grateful to this family who has taken me in. They have shown undying love for me in my time of loneliness and need. They have taken me in as their own, provided a safe haven with confidence and security likened only to my own home. There is no possible way to portray the deepness of my gratitude. Once settled in my home away from home I felt safe, and slowly relaxed as I focused on preparing myself for when this little girl would make her first debut.

The week of my due date arrived, and every one gathered in Utah to wait. R. and S. were there, my family came, my cousin who would coach me in delivery was there. We waited, and waited, and waited... This was by far the most difficult time for me. My emotions were intense, my motherly instinct was burning, but my desire to do what was right was equally as strong. I couldn't bear the thought of not having this bundle of joy.  There were times I thought I wouldn't be able to go through with our adoption plan. I feared having an empty stomach with no playful kicks, the empty arms with no child. I was devastated, heartbroken, and terrified. I never, not even once, wanted to place my daughter for adoption, but I knew it was what had to be done. I wanted my daughter to have the world, so I pushed on. I was determined to give her the world. My family was incredibly supportive, understanding, and patient. R. and S. were as such as well, a constant support. At times I felt angry with them, a heartache and jealousy they didn't deserve. But then I would remember that they were going to give my daughter the world.

My due date came and went, and the induction date arrived. I was to go to the hospital at midnight. The hours before were so intense, so ardent it was overwhelming. I had so many emotions I wouldn't know where to begin. I was excited, ecstatic even. I was terrified. Nervous. But most of all, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. When I arrived at the hospital I was already in real labor without knowing. It was a relief. I  had planned to do a natural un-medicated delivery. I was only going to have a few hours with my daughter, and I wanted to be alert, uninhibited by pain medication.

I invited R. and S. to be in the delivery room. I thought it was only right that they were there for their daughter's birth. The moment I saw them in the hospital I knew I had made the right choice. This baby wasn't only my daughter, she was theirs. It was at that moment were I found true peace with my decision. My daughter would be given the world.

I have no way to describe the feelings I had as our daughter was born. I held my dear sweet baby with one hand and S's. hand in the other. R cut the umbilical cord, to me symbolizing that even though he's separating us physically, there was a promise that they would always keep their love for me and the gift I gave them alive.

I will always hold my daughter dear to my heart. The time I had with her was wonderful, she is so beautiful, so perfect. There are times that are more difficult that others. My arms often ache to hold her, or my heart hurt with the need to envelope her with love. These times are by far out numbered by the times that I am grateful for the opportunity I had to bring this child in to the world, to give her life. I learned a mothers love, and I will never forget that love. I look at pictures of this beautiful baby as she grows, and I am at peace. I loved her, I still love her, and I always will love her. My arms have never felt so empty, but my heart has never felt so full. I love my daughter, so-

I gave her the world